Jake Mullens

+ Sexy Long Beard
+ Carries
+ Nice Car
+ Good Cook
+ Always Arrives on Time
+ Has an Android
+ Very Dependable
+ Human Garbage Disposal (eats anything)
+ Pretty Instant text responses
+ Honest
- Makes self-harm jokes
- Flirts with Liberals
- Steals my girlfriend's sweater
- Doesn't Like Photos
- Doesn't let me kiss him even though he's gay

Jake Colbert

+ Stylishly trimmed facial hair
+ Mellow AF
+ Honest
+ Gets Randomly Deep
+ Outside the box thinking
+ Human Garbage Disposal (eats everything)
+ Artistic
+ #ProGamerBud
+ Cheese
+ Codes
+ Likes his picture taken
+ Cheese
- Cheese
- Lives on "Jake Time" (TM)
- Smells like beef on Thursdays
- has a girlfriend (only I can have one)
- Has a stinky iPhone
- Points out how I eat terribly
- Takes (on average) 2 days to respond to texts
- Doesn't let me kiss him even though he's gay